


there's something about the second watch

by strawberry_sky



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Found Family, Gen, Platonic "I love you"s, let! fjord! feel! loved!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 11:09:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19886614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberry_sky/pseuds/strawberry_sky
Summary: it's a still and beautiful night, fjord and beau are on watch, and fjord is thinking(I woke up in a cold sweat and immediately wrote this fic after falling asleep last night thinking about the devastating but all-too-plausible possibility that Fjord has never had someone tell him they love him)





	there's something about the second watch

Something about the second watch always puts Fjord in a pensive mood. Maybe it’s the liminal state that comes from being woken up in the middle of the night and knowing you’re going back to sleep in a little while, or maybe it’s the sound of quiet breathing coming from inside the Tiny Hut behind him, or maybe it’s the way that this time of night always seems to have the most stars. 

For whatever reason, he looks over at Beau, who is sitting cross-legged on the grass a few feet away from him. Her hands are resting lightly on her knees, and her eyes are closed. He would almost think she was either sleeping or meditating if he didn’t know better. 

“Hey, Beau.” He speaks very quietly, but his voice still seems startling in the stillness of just-past-midnight.

Beau cracks one eye open. “Are you thinking about how it would be nice if the Tiny Hut was solid enough that we could lean on it? Because that’s what I’m thinking about.” 

“No, but that’s a good fuckin’ point,” Fjord says, suddenly aware of the crick between his shoulder blades. This is their fourth day on the road, and Fjord’s starting to miss his cozy bed in the Xhorhaus. He’d even settle for a room in an inn with Caduceus snoring in the bed next to him. 

“So what’s up then?” says Beau. 

“Do you think we’re doing the right thing?” Fjord asks. He’s not usually one to agonize over their path as a group, but the fact that they’re currently heading north to deal with the entity in the back of _his_ head is making him second-guess almost everything they do. And again, that thing about second watch. 

Beau, who _does_ spend quite a bit of time thinking about the Mighty Nein’s place in the big picture, looks over at Fjord curiously. “Like right now, or like in general?”

“Like with this whole…” Fjord gestures vaguely around him. “This whole ‘travel north and kick Uk’otoa’s ass’ thing, I guess.” 

Beau cocks her head. “You having second thoughts?”

“Not about getting him out of my head, or making sure he stays in whatever dark hole he’s stuck in forever. I guess I just don’t want another Laughing Hand situation here. Not that I’m expecting to meet a repressed friend from my past and then betray all of you,” he quickly clarifies, “but…you know.” 

Beau is silent for a moment. Then she sighs and unfolds herself, stretching out in the grass with her hands folded behind her head. “Honestly, we’ve done even stupider shit with even less of a plan before. At least this time we’re pretty sure we’ve got at least one god on our side, two if you count how Jester’s god seems to back up pretty much whatever she wants to do.” 

“That’s true.” 

“Like, if Caduceus says the Wildmother’s backing us up and she’s going to make sure you don’t lose your powers, I trust him.” 

“Yeah, of course. Me too.” That’s not exactly what Fjord meant, but he’s already regretting bringing the subject up. 

He lets out a long breath and lays back in the grass, copying Beau’s position and linking his hands behind his head. The night is as clear as it is still, and the sky seems as deep as the sea. 

Beau picks a blade of grass and rolls it between her fingers. She can tell there’s more that Fjord’s not saying. Typical. 

She decides she doesn’t want to let it go. “Why are you so worried about it?”

Fjord winces. He always forgets how persistent Beau can be when she’s curious. “I don’t know. I guess it just hits different when it’s my shit we’re dealing with. Y’all already sailed around for a month and almost got killed by pirates for my sake.”

“Yeah, and we infiltrated enemy lines for Nott’s sake, what’s your point?” 

“I just don’t want to keep putting you all in danger,” says Fjord, somewhat exasperated. “The Ball Eater was one thing, because I was getting powers that made me more useful for the whole group--” 

“Useful?” Beau mutters. “You’re starting to sound too much like Caleb.” 

“--and anyway,” Fjord goes on as if she hadn’t said anything, “I think it was kind of nice for us to have a ship and be away from the Empire and the war and everything. But Uk’otoa is really dangerous. This could get bad, and I shouldn’t be asking all of you to go into danger for me.” 

Beau scoffs. “Come on, Fjord, you know better by now. I mean, we’re not just going to let you deal with it by yourself. We love you.” 

Every bone in Fjord’s body goes very cold, and then very hot. “What did you say?” he half-stammers out. 

Beau rolls over and props herself up on her elbow. “You know, love? That thing you sometimes feel for people who you spend literally every minute with and repeatedly put your life at risk for?”

He does know, of course he knows. But…

“I just don’t think anyone’s said that to me before,” he says slowly. 

“Well, yeah,” says Beau with half a grin, lying back down. “We’re a bunch of closed-off assholes, none of us are exactly going around talking about our feelings all the time. Except maybe Jester, and she only talks about the positive ones.”

“No,” says Fjord, deliberately keeping his gaze fixed on the stars. “I mean, _anyone_.” 

“Oh,” says Beau in a very small voice. 

It kind of feels like she’s just been punched in the gut, but she knows Fjord better than to let that show on her face. Beau’s parents had been shit, sure, and she kind of doubts how far their love for her actually goes, but at least they’d _told_ her they’d loved her. And she’d had other people in her life, however briefly. But Fjord…

She carefully slides a side glance at her friend. He’s staring unblinkingly at the sky, his jaw very tightly clenched. 

Beau mentally resolves to start telling her friends she loves them more often. How long has it been since Caduceus has heard that from someone? Or--oh gods--how long has it been for _Caleb_?

Next to her, Fjord is trying not to spiral. They’d built this whole group on alliances, on being stronger together than they were individually. They’d learned together, fought together, grown together. 

But at some point, protecting each other and staying together because of mutual usefulness had turned into something more. Maybe it had happened when Nott had told them about her past, or in the quiet days on the ocean, or when they encountered the Iron Shepherds, or maybe even earlier. 

Love isn’t a word Fjord spends a lot of time thinking about, but isn’t that what had sent him running back into the tomb when he realized he was the only one who’d made it out? Isn’t that why he’d dived off a two hundred foot tree after Jester? Isn’t that why he’d been prepared to march straight into the Soltryce Academy and make them answer for what they’d done to Nott and Caleb? 

Isn’t that why he still thinks about Molly every damn day? 

In the Tiny Hut behind them, Caduceus starts to snore. Fjord’s friends have all followed him this far, and he can say as much as he wants about the greater good of keeping Uk’otoa contained, they’ve done it for _him_. And he would have--would have, has, and will again--do the same for any of them. 

Whatever it is about the second watch, Fjord’s throat is suddenly very tight. 

Next to her, Beau hears Fjord take a deep breath, hold it, let it out. “Hey Fjord?” she says.

“Yeah?” he responds, even quieter than before. 

“I love you,” she says, and it’s way too sappy and vulnerable but right now she couldn’t care less. 

There’s a few beats of silence. The wind finally picks up a little, and Beau closes her eyes and lets the grass move against her skin. 

Fjord clears his throat. “Love you too, Beau.” The words feel strange leaving his mouth. 

But he says them anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by me fucking myself up with my own tumblr post last night: https://drinkingdeadpeopletea.tumblr.com/post/186414726065/drinkingdeadpeopletea-hey-uh-before-nott-said-it  
> anyway tell your friends you love them, there's way too many people out there who don't hear it often enough <3


End file.
